11 Jan Intro to Hugging Your Cactus

The metaphor of “hugging the cactus” originates from a speech that the actor Robert Downey gave as he was introducing his friend Mel Gibson during an award presentation.  During this time Gibson was going through some public struggles of his own and was a somewhat unexpected choice for the honor.  “To some surprise, Downey gave the gift of public acceptance to the embattled actor [Gibson]; …the defense was a return of kindness for Downey.  Gibson gave “The Avengers” actor a job in 2003’s “The Singing Detective” after his drug arrests made him uninsurable.”^[1]  With this time in mind, Downey reflected on the following advice his friend had once offered him: 

Here is a link to the speech itself:

“Actually I asked Mel to present me with this reward for a reason.  When I couldn’t get sober, he told me not to give up hope, and he urged me to find my faith. It didn’t have to be his faith or anyone else’s, as long as it was rooted in forgiveness. And I couldn’t get hired, so he cast me as the lead in a movie that was actually developed for him. He kept a roof over my head, and he kept food on the table. And most importantly, he said if I accepted responsibility for my wrongdoings and if I embraced that part of my soul that was ugly — “hugging the cactus” he calls it — he said that if I “hugged the cactus” long enough, I’d become a man of some humility and that my life would take on a new meaning. And I did, and it worked. All he asked in return was that someday I help the next guy in some small way. It’s reasonable to assume that at the time he didn’t imagine that the next guy would be him or that someday was tonight.”^[2]

In this short yet powerful speech, several concepts form around this idea of hugging your cactus.  Looking at it more closely one can see the outline of a cactus hugging journey being mapped out; a journey from shame, brokenness and false or shadow self toward humility, healing, a more holistic sense of self, and ultimately a life of new meaning.  This is an invitation to deny or “die to” self or ego and is laid out in six parts that are best seen more fluidly than as rigid sequential steps.  The following brief unpacking and application of this speech has been influenced from research toward my Doctor of Ministry thesis project at Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary.

When life is not working don’t give up hope

Life, or at least a part of life not working means that something has gone wrong, perhaps even for an extended period of time. The 12 Step tradition refers to this as “life as no longer manageable.” One important point here is that in hugging your cactus a self-inflicted crisis is directly related to one’s life not working. This could be a single really bad choice, a pattern of behavior, or something in between. Whatever the reason when one realizes this, it is important not to lose or give up their hope that things can get better, that healing and an authentic personal transformation is possible. This healing happens best in community, so here it is important for one not to isolate their self in despair, but instead find others who can be a source of hope, support, and encouragement. It is also important here to recognize that the sense of despair and hopelessness is there for a reason. Therefore it’s also important to not move on from hopelessness too soon. Instead, lean into it and learn from it, for the cactus hugging journey does involve dealing with pain, even self inflicted pain. Working through despair can actually be an important part of connecting with authentic hope; however, it is also important not to stay in hopelessness too long as hope is an essential part of the cactus hugging journey.

Find a faith rooted in forgiveness

Closely related to the idea of hope in the cactus hugging journey is faith, specifically a faith that is rooted in forgiveness. The alternative here is a faith rooted in performance or perfection, and yet, simply trying harder does not work. Forgiveness is key in accepting that one is responsible for the crisis that has led to their life not working, and forgiveness takes practice; without forgiveness there can be no real or lasting hope. It is also worth noting that the ability to both give and receive forgiveness are equally important here and that often the most difficult person to forgive is one’s self.

Take personal responsibility for wrongdoings

It is worth noting that accepting and taking responsibility for wrong doings is very difficult, yet this is also where real change can start to happen. Self awareness comes into play in a strong way here as one comes to terms with their real self, the part of self that has caused harm to others. This again is painful, yet it is why one must lean into the pain and despair, but not stay there either. This is closely related to forgiveness, for a true sense of forgiveness actually promotes greater personal responsibility. Community is again important here as one invites others to give tough love and help them see their failures, blind-spots, and weaknesses. We all need help in identifying our wrongdoings as we learn to take responsibility for them. This is also the part in the journey where one identifies their cactus, or the ugly part of their soul. This is the part of self or ego, that shadow or “false” part of self that is the root or source of the wrongdoings and that has led to the self-inflicted crisis of life not working. Knowing one’s personality type from a profile like the Enneagram, Myers-Briggs, or others can be a good place to start. Each type in these profiles identifies both core strengths and weaknesses; it’s from these weaknesses that certain patterns of negative behavior can be observed, and that one’s cactus can generally be found.

Embrace the ugly parts of your soul

This is the part of the journey where one’s cactus, the ugly part(s) of their soul, is not only acknowledged, but also embraced. The word “embraced” here can mean different things depending the person’s background or perspective. The point here is not to resolve those differences or provide a definitive answer, but instead to present some possibilities to consider. For example, one potential reason to hug your cactus and embrace the ugly parts of your soul is to recognize and even love that part of you and your story – because these are not going away. “Embrace” can also mean to accept these parts of self, knowing them so well that you learn to reign them in to limit damage they cause to one’s self and others. Since these ugly parts can also be the parts of self that one wants to discard or get rid of, embracing them can additionally mean learning to integrate them into one’s life. It can even mean to become comfortable with, and affirm, these parts of yourself.

It is important to acknowledge that the metaphor of hugging a cactus implies experiencing something painful. It is painful because it requires going beyond the surface into the deeper parts of self to deal with the ugliness that is there. Yet, as we have seen from the other parts of this journey this same pain also facilitates personal growth, healing, and a more holistic sense of self.

Do this long enough and gain some humility 

A journey or process like hugging your cactus or embracing the ugly parts of the soul takes time to actually work; it is not a quick fix that happens overnight. In this process the pain that has been referred to throughout this journey can finally start to produce real change. The use of the cactus in the metaphor is helpful here, because even with its prickly thorns a cactus can produce beautiful flowers and even, in some cases, fruit. However, this time involved in “hugging the cactus long enough” is not simply idle time. Instead, one leans into and works through these ugly parts of the soul. This includes investing in spiritual disciplines like meditation and contemplative prayer, that create the space for one to reflect on various parts of the cactus hugging journey. The result or “fruit” of this time spent working through these ugly parts of the soul is to become a person of some humility. This is tied closely to accepting personal responsibility, as owning one’s part in the world’s problems breeds humility. Therefore, as one struggles through their own wrongdoings and brokenness they can start to understand that they are not the center of the universe, and see their self from a healthier perspective. This affirms the original invitation of the cactus hugging journey to, yourself, die to self and ego.

Life will take on a new meaning

This last part of the cactus hugging journey expresses the importance of finding purpose in one’s brokenness. This includes realizing that one’s story has changed, and then accepting this change and new meaning. Like becoming a person of humility, mentioned above, this new meaning in life is not instant – it takes time to develop. One aspect of this new meaning is to have a greater sense of gratitude and contentment in life, which may in turn lead to less of a need for meaning at all. Perhaps the most important part of the journey is not the benefit that the one hugging the cactus receives, but rather how it enables them to better help others. This includes the ability to see the ugly parts of others with a newfound sense of compassion and grace. Downey Jr. in his speech refers to this at very end when he mentions that Gibson only asked him to “help the next guy.” This ability to “pay it forward” demonstrates a life that has truly taken on new meaning. Storytelling is also an important part of this healing process, especially in relating the cactus hugging journey to others. All of this is the result of the cactus hugging journey: going from a place of self-imposed crisis, to embracing the ugly parts of one’s soul, to overtime integrating these parts into a fuller, more holistic sense of self. Downey Jr. affirms this by saying, “I did it and it worked.” Following this cactus hugging journey has worked in my life as well and I have found many others who have benefitted personally from it along the way.

A link to my You-Tube video that unpacks this speech in a different format:

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[1] Hughes, Sarah Anne, “Robert Downey Jr. asks world to forgive Mel Gibson.” The Washington Post, October 7, 2011, https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/celebritology/post/robert-downey-jr-asks-world-to-forgive-mel-gibson/2011/10/17/gIQANRnCrL_blog.html.

[2] The Telegraph, “Robert Downey Jr asks forgiveness for Mel Gibson,” October 18, 2011, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_AAJuynxnTQ.

Read more: Intro to Hugging Your Cactus