Contemplative Spaces

Creating the Room to Embrace the Ugly

I have been on an extended vacation / mini sabbatical in the UK the last two plus weeks. While I have connected with friends along the way, a lot of my travel and time has been alone. For an extremely extroverted “seven” on the enneagram this much time with myself is a bit out of my comfort zone. Yet this is the primary purpose for this kind of trip, not to just see cool things and have great experiences, which I have done plenty; but to also spend time alone to refresh, think more clearly, and work on self. While spending an afternoon at the British Museum in London I ran across the quote above. This quote speaks well into the importance of creating the time and space to process your cactus, work through the messiness that is the ugly parts of your soul, and to die to self and ego.    

It is in this part of the cactus hugging journey, that the impact of the tradition known as contemplative prayer can be most influential. It is important to understand that the time that it takes to transform into a person of “some humility” is not just passive time. Instead, it is time actively spent investing in prayer, meditation, and intentional contemplative reflection on your life, especially its painful realities. “In other words spiritual work isn’t always just ‘instructive’ – it’s also transformative, and this kind of transformation can get messy.”[1] The messiness of transformative spiritual or soul work takes time to work through and “clean up.” However, in doing this long enough you can also start to see yourself from a new perspective.

As we move into a contemplative stance, it becomes clear that we determine by our internal dialogue… what we will see and what we won’t see, what we pay attention to what we don’t. This is why we have to clean the lens: we have to get our ego-agenda out of the way so we can see things as they are.[2]              

For this new perspective to have its fullest impact, it also needs to reach to the deepest parts of self, because that’s where the ugliness and prickliness of the ego lies. “But this penetration must be authentic. It must be something genuinely lived by me.”[3]  This authenticity is lived out over time and sometimes doesn’t feel like progress at all It often even feels like the opposite of progress, as we often must take steps back in order to eventually move forward. The concept of the “dark night of the soul” as developed by the 16th century mystic St. John of the Cross, recognizes this.

There are prolonged periods in spiritual direction, example, when it seems a person is becoming stagnated, making no progress. But spiritual ‘progress’ has some unique qualities. Especially in the dark night that is hidden.[4]

In these times when it seems as though no progress is being made at all, it is most important to not give up on the disciplines of meditation and contemplation. For, “it is true that meditation can expand our ability to think laterally, imaginatively, and creatively so that we can make sense of our experiences and find solutions.”[5]

Yet in all this, as you contemplate, and reflect on your own cactus, learning to embrace the ugly parts of your soul, a person of some humility, and less ego driven can start to emerge. This happens over time as one understands that, “all of us are much larger than the good or bad stories we tell about ourselves… Strangely, your life is not about ‘you.’  It is a part of a much larger stream called God.”[6]  Therefore, becoming a person of some humility occurs over time, time spent in contemplation; reflecting on and accepting that your life is not primarily about you, but something so much bigger. It’s about seeing and reflecting on both others and self with increased compassion and gentleness to the point that the differences between the two seem less and less significant. This serves as another reminder that to hug your cactus is not self help, as you cannot do it yourself. Instead, it is learning to become a better version of self with help from and for the sake of others. You cannot even claim humility for yourself, for the minute you do, you are certainly no longer humble. You need the feedback and perspective from others to confirm that the hug your cactus journey is actually working. For example, I have a good friend that from time to time tells me that I have become more palatable since I started hugging my cactus. Yet, this same friend will also let me know when my ego starts getting in the way again.  Which sends me back into more time of contemplation.

So, go spend regular time by yourself and with God in meditation prayer, and contemplation, hugging your cactus and embracing the ugly parts of your soul. Also, seek honest feedback from others along the way. If I can spend this much time alone, just about anyone can! It won’t always be pretty, sometimes it will be painful and outright sucky. But, as I continue to learn in my own journey, those around you will appreciate the effort. 

[1] Haubner, Shozan Jack. Zen Confidential, 165.

[2] Rohr, Richard. Everything Belongs, 98.

[3] Merton, Thomas. Contemplative Prayer, 47.

[4] May, Gerald. The Dark Night of the Soul, 172.

[5] Kleinig, John W. Grace Upon Grace, 111-112.

[6] Rohr. Everything Belongs, 142.