On the evening of Sunday, January 21st I received the phone call that no son wants to receive. I was getting ready to watch the Chiefs/Bills game with a close friend when my uncle (mom’s brother) called to inform me that he had found my mom, his sister dead on the floor of her house. Anyone who has experienced this reality knows that from on every plan or expectation of that week might look up got turned completely upside down. Today, some 12 days later I am just starting to emerge from that fog. Speaking of fog I picked up my sister from DFW Airport the next day and we headed west together to the small town my mom lived in to face both the knowns and the unknowns of her final days. And of course the last hour we drove through an ominous fog that felt like the intro to a Stephen King book or movie.
As I have been working through my own “hug your cactus” journey I have learned that my own tendency is to avoid things that are painful and uncomfortable at all costs. (I mean who want to face pain when you can just plow through life one fun adventure at a time)? Yet I have learned enough to know that this approach would not work this time. I needed to lean into and face the discomfort of the reality of my situation.
One thing that became clear to me as the preparations of the week started to come together, was that I did not want to preach at mom’s service that Saturday. I am grateful for friends and family that encouraged me to me a son, dad, uncle, cousin, etc. that week. So, I asked a good pastor friend Will to preach mom’s service and he agreed. Will then asked for me to collect some stories from family and friends of mom. Some of these can be found at her obituary page.
If you know anything about me at all you know that almost everything works its way to a U2 song eventually. This was no different as the song “Stuck in a Moment that You Can’t Out Of,” became stuck in my own mind and soul as I was processing mom’s death. Will asked me the annoying question of why, which of course caused me to dig deeper into why this song was speaking to me so strongly at this time.
I could remember reading Bono saying this song was the conversation he wishes he could have had with his friend and was not given the opportunity to. His friend committed suicide which is not a direct parallel to my situation. In my case we knew that mom was dealing with something difficult: both depression after her own mom died in 2021 and something medical as we could see she all the signs. Her cause of death was GI bleeding and she seemed to have been dealing with it for a while so the scene at her house was a difficult one, especially for her brother who found her. Several of the family, including myself, tried to have the conversation with her about getting help and she just shut us down. In the end she chose to face it and even suffer some alone. The help was there, but maybe what she had was beyond what could be treated anyway, we will never know.
So this song is in a way is the conversation I tried to have, but couldn’t with my mom, “whatever you are facing we are here for you.” Yet in this all is something beautiful and redemptive. The family rallied around each other this week and the love and support I have felt has been amazing.
I struggled at times to accept mom for who she was, especially as I was watching her fall apart towards the end. Yet, I was able to learn more and and more to look past those barriers and just be present with her. Last week my sister and I have experienced a certain amount of closure putting the house back together, making the arrangements, going through old pictures, and sharing the stories of mom with those around us. Even leaning into the paradox, embracing the ugly, and hugging our cactus!
This is my favorite version of this song:
This article captures more of why this song continues to speak to me so strongly right now.
